God Is Greater Than The Mountains
I mentioned before that the last thing I ever wanted was a relationship with God. More specifically, I had told you that the last thing I wanted was another "daddy" to belittle and abuse me. Plus, if God loved me then why didn't he save me from such an awful home? I blamed God for everything.
So what changed? I think a life-changing moment occurred when we had children in our home. I can love them unconditionally and teach them right from wrong. At the end of the day, they make their own choices. I haven't had one yet that followed all the rules and strutted around with a halo on their head. In fact, our kids have done things that flat-out hurt. They hurt so bad internally that I was literally scarred externally. If you have a wrinkle at 30, you might be shaking your head yes right now! :-)
Lets be honest. I don't have a halo either. I have deeply hurt people, whether I meant to or not. I did things that I knew were wrong.
Who is responsible for those choices?
God or me?
With that said, why was I holding God responsible for the hurtful choices my birth dad made? ...and my mom?
Ironically, even while I hated God, I still talked to my birth parents. I still strived to have a relationship with both of my parents. I wanted to be "perfect" and wanted them to love me. Part of it was that my in-laws made me feel that a relationship was a requirement for forgiveness to truly take place. I walked on pins and needles with all of them. I went out of my way to think of thoughtful gifts and make conversation about things they were passionate about. I thought maybe if I took a strong interest in their passions that they would care about my own. A Ghandi thing. Be the change, you know?
There was a day that came along when I just couldn't take it anymore. It was August of 2014. In July I left for a mission trip to Ethiopia. Before I left, I tried talking to my birth parents about this trip. They just changed the subject. I came back with a whole new vision of what mattered. I literally watched people in Ethiopia search through a trash dump for food to eat, just for starters. I saw little homeless children huddled together on the street corners to sleep...block after block. While I was there, I found out on Facebook that my grandpa was sick and looking at heart surgery. No call or message from my parents. When I got home, neither parent checked to make sure I made it home safely or offered an update on my grandpa. In fact, I didn't hear from my birth parents till I contacted them over a month later.
Maybe I snapped. Or maybe I connected the dots. Judge away, but ...
I came back knowing that while some Ethiopian folks laid in the streets without a clue when their next meal will be, they praised God for providing as they NEEDED it. I saw people with absolutely nothing to their name express joy for life and ironically I was the one that left thirstier than I've ever been in life! I had a house full of possessions, but I wanted what they had. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of finding joy. I had years of hurt and negativity to unload, but this is when I really began to see a major shift in my attitude towards God. God was and is greater than the mountains!
To be continued...in the meantime, check out Out of Ashes: HERE